Here Are A Few Tips for Men Dating After Divorce
Divorce is a painful experience. Not only are you breaking up with someone you intended on spending the rest of your life with, you’re separating from the family you’ve built and letting go of the future you saw for yourself. It’s often a long, expensive and drawn out process even in the most amicable of separations. It will leave you a changed person, however, you are not alone.
In the United States, about 40% of marriages end in divorce, and 60% of divorcees are ages 25 to 39. It’s never too late to start over and date, but this is still pretty young considering the average age of first marriage from 2015 to 2019 was 28 for women and 29.9 for men.
No matter how tough it feels, you’re getting a divorce because staying married would be worse. Eventually, you get to a point where the prospects of an unfamiliar future are more exciting than the reality of the unfulfilling past you’re leaving behind.
Yet, dating is hard with or without the emotional turmoil a divorce can put you through. Getting back out there after the assets are divided and the papers are signed can be as scary as it is a relief. This is how to start to date after a divorce.
How To Know If You’re Ready To Date After Your Divorce
Ideally, dating should not be a means of getting over your ex spouse. Healing from the divorce and grieving the loss of not only your partner, but the version of yourself as a husband, takes time. You’ll want to get to know this new version of yourself and establish what your new day to day looks like. This can include new routines around your health and well being and socializing. If you have children, this can also include transitioning from partners to co-parents.
There isn’t any one-size-fits-all approach to knowing when you’re ready to start dating after divorce, but you’ll want to take enough time to have processed the ending of that chapter of your life and explore your new found independence. It’s easier to get to know yourself solo for a bit before you spend time getting to know someone else and letting them in. Consider working through this with a therapist. They will help you learn about yourself from an unbiased place that friends or your mom (who never thinks you do anything wrong) cannot give you. During this time, you’ll be able to consider your own contributions to the demise of your marriage, what you’ve learned and how you want future relationships to look like or differ from those in the past.
Talk to your friends! Statistically, it’s likely you have a few friends or relatives that have also gone through it and have since learned a little bit about dating after a divorce. You want to do what’s best for you and focus on your own experience, but they may also have advice for dating after a divorce as it’s not as uncommon of an experience as it may feel like for you right now.
Eventually, you’ll actually have interest in the process of dating and not simply filling the void. You don’t want to end up sounding like a bitter divorcee before the appetizers arrive on your first date. Ideally, you will have spent enough time focused on rebuilding and caring for your new self to welcome new connections and wherever they lead.
Forget The Old Way You Dated Before Your Marriage
You are different now. You’re a man that’s fallen in love, committed, gotten married, been through some challenging times and ultimately has come to the decision to divorce. Not only is your lifestyle likely different from the last time you were single purely because of the age difference and time passed, your life experiences are much more evolved. (And, some of you have kids!)
Hooking up after a night at the bar might be a lot less appealing than it was years prior. Swiping right on every profile will likely just mean you have to have more witty conversations through an app. If you’re looking for a new partner or new relationship after your divorce, you need to treat dating differently this time.
Realistically, whatever you did last time – despite the good times – ultimately didn’t work out. You have an opportunity to do things differently this time, so leave the old way you dated before your marriage behind to fall in love after divorce.
Establish Your New (And Likely Evolving) Routine
Seeing how you spend your time uncoupled and with different responsibilities can lead to infinite possibilities, but it also means the places you’ll meet people are different. You never know where you’ll meet someone new after divorce.
Join a gym or intramural team. Take up new interests you didn’t have time for. Take a cooking class, learn about wine or cigars, and try to do so in social settings. Let your friends know you’re ready to hang out more and potentially be introduced to some of their single friends. It’s good to practice talking to new people, and specifically new strangers, as you’re preparing and starting to date. And, it can help you look at the big picture and determine what your priorities are for your new future.
This can also help you learn where you’d like a potential partner to fit into your life and hang on to a sense of self as you get back out there. If you have kids, you’ll have to figure out what healthy co-parenting and dating looks like for you. You want to set a healthy example through the relationship with yourself, your ex and anyone new that comes along as this transition can be very hard on children.
Sign Up For Dating Apps
Even if it’s just to practice talking to and “meeting” new people after your divorce, dating apps like Fling.com can be a great place to exercise this muscle that you’ve likely let be dormant for some time. Your profile can be ever-evolving, but try to be very intentional about what you’re looking for and show some sense of self-awareness when sharing about yourself.
If you have children, mention that. If you have pets, mention that. If you travel a lot for work, include it. Do not fill your profile with pet peeves, gripes and laundry list of qualities your ex had that you decidedly want to avoid. Don’t be that red flag. You can have an awareness of these things, but they do not need to take over the first impression a potential date has of you.
All of this new awareness you have after your divorce should also show up in your dating app use. Swipe on people whose profile seems like a good match for you, and be sure to share that you are looking for love or a partner on yours.
Keep in mind to use the apps safely. Some dating sites and apps are inundated with bots and spammers. It’s just part of the playing field now. Don’t give out any sensitive personal information or money to a total stranger you meet on an app. Nicely, try to verify they are who they say they are without your conversation sounding like they’re filling out a job application. Asking things like, “do you mind if I ask for additional photos” can be a great way to check if you’re chatting with a bot.
Enjoy The Process of Dating
If you’re walking into this new chapter looking for your next spouse, you may jump into something a little too soon. We often hear that you’ll find something when you stop looking. Trying to find someone new after a divorce may put you in a position to overlook the reality of the people you’re involved with because you’re so focused on a specific outcome. It’s good to have things to work towards, but you don’t want to force them or put a time limit on finding love after your marriage ends.
Instead, put effort into exploring and building connections with the new people you’re going out with. This is a great place to start dating after divorce. Share yourself, try to learn them, figure out if the things you like and value about each other and your time spent together. Focus on the process and different ways to get to know people at this point in your life. Be respectful of other people’s time and have fun with it.
Final Thoughts
Frequently, divorcees want to jump back into the comfortable stage of a relationship, and it’s easy to do because it comes after the honeymoon phase. While it’s a given you’ll learn a lot from your former marriage and subsequent divorce, you can also learn a lot about yourself through the new connections you make as you date during this period of your life. You can find all different types of people to connect with after your divorce on Fling.com. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Don’t rush it!