How To Talk About Sex With Your Partner (And Ask For What You Want In Bed)
Closed mouths don’t get fed. We all know that we can’t expect to get what we want without speaking up and asking for it – even in the sack. Oftentimes, however, there’s apprehension to ask for what we want. Fear of rejection and judgment or simply not knowing what words to use when talking to a partner about sex can get in our way, but sometimes, it comes down to not really knowing what it is that we want to ask for.
According to a 2021 survey from Durex, on average, couples don’t typically start talking about sexual desires (and discomforts) until five months into the relationship. That’s a lot of time to wait to start talking to your partner about sex and to wait to ask for what you want in bed.
How do I figure out what I like in bed?
The most important thing about asking your partner for what you want in bed, is knowing what to ask for. This means you have to determine what it is you want in bed. The focus should be on actions, desires and feelings and not physical appearance.
A good place to start is intentionally taking stock of your sexual experiences with former partners. (Important note: there is no need to share this part with your partner. This is solely for your own exploration!) Think less about the person and more about the physical part of your intimacy. What made you orgasm quickly? What positions felt good? Were there certain places or settings you’ve tried that were particularly exciting to you? Was there something you hesitated trying but ended up really liking that you haven’t done since?
Some alone time is also necessary. Be conscious of what feels good when you masturbate or what you fantasize about. Do you have body parts that are particularly sensitive to touch or that you get aroused when they’re touched? This can help give you some ideas of what you like.
These are some good places to start to figure out what it is you want to ask your partner for in bed. It doesn’t have to be completely a specific action as much as what you want something to feel like. You can start slow – like foreplay – and ask for smaller things like ways you want to be touched to practice building up to sharing your sexual needs and wants with your significant other.
How do I approach asking my partner for what I want in bed?
Start by having more conversations about sex
While this may feel indirect at first, if you and your partner don’t typically talk about sex, you can start by initiating more conversations on the topic before you share your wants. This can be initiated by using things outside of our relationship like movie sex scenes, podcasts you’re listening to or things you see on social media.
Simply share what it is that you’re seeing or hearing and ask them what they think. Then you can share what you think. This can be a good way to gauge their comfort on both these conversations about sex and the sex acts within whatever it is you’re sending them. Just try to read the room when you’re starting these convos. If they’re at the office, on a work Zoom or having lunch with their mom, maybe save it until it’s safe to allow the conversation to turn as sexual as they can.
In addition to helping you start to have more conversations about what you want in bed, making space for this in the relationships will make it easier to discuss sex problems with your partner too.
Give positive feedback on the sex you’re already having
Tell your boyfriend or girlfriend what feels good about being intimate with them as is! Positive feedback and reinforcement feels good to hear, and it’s important to know what’s going right before you start making new requests. You don’t want your significant other to think something is wrong.
Sex should be an ever-evolving act within a relationship. In order to continually feel good together, talking about sex and making requests is necessary. However, because it is such a sensitive topic, you do not want to come off as critical. Ultimately, you want to let them know what would feel best for you, and you should also be talking to your spouse about their sexual desires too.
Make sure they know you want to pleasure them better too
This is not all about you! Entering these conversations only thinking about your wants and needs is not going to foster a safe environment for you to continually explore your sexual desires together. And, you can do a little more legwork than asking them, “What do you like in bed?”
This can be fun, too! Ask them how certain things feel. Refer to the sex you had the other night or afternoon, share what you liked best and ask what made them hot. Ask them sexy questions about what they like, what you’re doing to and for them and what they’re doing. Most importantly, ask if there’s anything you can do better or differently and actually listen. Ideally, they’ll want to reciprocate the effort you’re putting into pleasuring them.
Finally, just ask!
Asking directly can be daunting. The thought of rejection can be overwhelming, but reframing this thinking as sharing what you would like and understanding the person you care about has their own likes and dislikes outside of you can help assuage these fears.
Position what you want by asking if it’s something you can try together versus something you want from them. Phrasing questions like, “would you be open to…” or “would you like to explore this together,” can bring you closer rather than put your partner in a position to have to say simply yes or no to you or feel bad about themselves. The idea is to foster discussion, not treat them like a request line.
Final thoughts
Talking about sex can be awkward, but talking to the person you are actively having sex with doesn’t need to be. You’ve seen each other naked, this is just a conversation where you’re sharing ideas about how to make each other feel better. Establishing an environment where you feel comfortable asking for and being asked of in regards to sex and pleasure will only make for more, better sex in the long run.
Find open-minded people to explore these conversations and sex with on fling.com.